I wrote this in 1993. A few years later I became aware of Steven Berkoff’s play which I didn’t see. Wish I had.
In a basement.
1 night light in a jam jar.
1 packet of shag tobacco.
2 packets of red Rizlas.
2 packing cases.
1 can of red stripe lager.
Laios and Orestes sit silently passing the can from one to the other.
L. You look fucking miserable. Gods cut out your tongue then?
OR. Na mate. I was wondering whether I ought to have bumped off me Mum.
L. You fucking what?
OR. Yea well, she was screwing that bastard Aegisthos behind my dad’s back. Apollo reckoned I had to revenge my dad, said he’d back me up. He turned out to be a right fucking bastard . Gods! Shove em up your arse I say.
L. Bugger me! Bit strong innit? So what was this revenge for then?
OR. Well, she killed me dad.
L. No! God’s teeth.
OR. Yea. Don’t know why I bothered. My dad was a fucking wanker too. Would have had me thrown out to rot on a sodding rock before I cut my first tooth, because of some fucking potion he wanted for a poxy wound. AND ! AND ! Then he had this fucking deal with Achilles, which my Mum didn’t know about, my sister Iphigeneia was taken off to a so-called Wedding, and it turned out he was doing some deal and she was to be a frigging sacrifice! Poor cow. Na . Didn’t give a flying fuck about us, my Dad.
L. What a bastard.
A. Yea. And then he fucked off for 10 years, fighting the bloody Trojans, so then my Mum had this thing with that arse hole Aegisthus. What a fucking life eh! I tell you, I was gutted.
L. Well mate, not too pretty. Still, you was put in that position, weren’t you. I mean you don’t fuck with Apollo. Still it’s not on.
OR. What’s not on?
L. Your Mum screwing around when she was a married Woman. She should know her fucking place mate, Whores all of em.
OR. Yea, Women. Lying bitches all of them.
L. ( Laughs) Makes you a real son of a bitch don’t it?
OR. Don’t you call me a son of a bitch you fucking son of a bitch!
L Now then. Only having a bit of a laugh. So how did she get your Dad then?
OR. Well, he finally came home, stinking, all his warring and whoring, and my Mum, devious bitch, ran him a hot bath, all the time giving him the idea that she’s still his woman. As he steps out, steaming, She and Aegisthos threw a huge towel over his head and stabbed him. He couldn’t see where it was coming from. Killed him right there in the bathhouse, bollock naked, and that fucking Kassandra bitch, who was hanging around. Blood everywhere. That Kassandra told my Dad about my Mum, shit-stirrer, he didn’t believe her, tosser! Anyway, right fucking mess. My mum was in a sodding rage, would have chopped my balls off, but my sister Electra got me out of there. Fucking scared the shit out of me.
L. Kassandra! Lying bitch that one. Always babbling on and fucking on.
And it’s all bull shit!
OR. Fucking too right . Lying cunts! Any way I hid out. Aegisthos was the fucking King, I ask you, Gods wounds. No wonder I’m off my fucking head! So I end up in court and that Apollo wasn’t much help. he got me in the crap in the first place. They would have done me, but Athene put a word in , and I got off the Murder charge.
L. Well you have been in the wars. Lifes a fucker.
(OE. enters .staggering.)
L. Bloody Hades! Look at this guy. Is he pissed or what! Oy! watch it mate. Look where your fucking going. Fuck me ! Look at the state of him. Gods wounds, but he’s an ugly Bastard.
OE. Who are you calling an barstad? Shit from Hades! Move over.
I need to sit down. My feet are fucking killing me. Can’t you see I’m blind?
L. Got any Beers? Here sit, have a fag. You look God Damn Awful!
OR. What happened to your feet then? Bump into a fucking rock?
OE Ha fucking Ha.
L. You don’t look too pretty though. Who done you then?
OE. Well, my two sons set about each other, stupid bastards, and slayed themselves. And it’s all my fault. I bloody cursed them.
L. Your own sons! Why?
OE. Long story. Long, long story. (Sighs)
L. Well tell us then . Fuck all else to do down here . Fucking dark and boring.
OE. Oh God! My Wife, I mean my Mum. Oh Holy shit what a sodding life. She done herself in, my sons fucked off, and before that my dad left me for dead, When that Oracle gave me the story, I was fucking wild I‘m telling you. Still, I got him.
L. What did your Dad do then?
OE. What didn’t he do? For a start he dumped me on a rock and left me for dead! and I was baby for fucks sake! Some fucker hung me up by my feet, thats when I was found. Had problems with them all my life.
Anyway, I was rescued and brought up in Corinth by Polybos, his Wife couldn’t have any kids. The Oracle said I must not go to the lands of my true Ancestors, I would kill my dad and, this is the fucking weird shit, I would marry my mum! I was in a fucking state I’m telling you. Left home and went on the road. What a life.
L You poor sod.
OE. Yea, well it got worse. I was riding down this one -way street one day, and this huge fucking Chariot comes along. I had the right of way, but the sod wouldn’t back up to let me pass. One of them did damage to my horse, I saw red, I was fucking livid, I fucking killed him. I let him have it, right there, no problems.
L, What, on your own, you are one tough fucker!
OE. Well, I was mad! So, I get to this City, where I find the people are all shit scared of some Sphinx. Smashes their skulls in unless they answer in a riddle. Thick as Goat shit! All of them.
I got it in one. And my prize. Marriage to the Queen. I’m set up for life! We had four kids; two girls; two boys. Then, Plague and bloody Pestilence strikes, and we ask the oracle,
‘What’s going on? Then boom! Shit hits the fan. All the crimes in one big fucking jackpot. I had married my mum, killed my Dad!
I didn’t know did I? My Dad, the bastard caused all this, leaving me to die, ruined my feet!
L. You tragic fucker. What a story. So what happened to your Wife ? I mean your Mum?
OE. Jocaster? She killed herself.
OE. Yea. Thats when I gouged my eyes out. I was insane. It really got me.
L. And where did you say you lived?
l. You fucking arse hole from Hades. You pig in shit. I should have smashed your fucking skull with my own hands. I cant trust any fucker!
L . MOTHER FUCKER ! I curse you, I curse your soul. I curse your children and their children. I hope your cock rots and your body becomes wracked with disease. In AIDES!